a novel by Claire Cameron
EXCERPT
HE WAS WATCHING ME.
"My name is Frank," he sounded like he was trying his best to be patient.
"OK."
"Not Lesley."
"OK."
"I hate the name Lesley. It's not a man's name."
"It can be," I was down, but still not ready to concede a point.
"Not around me it's not."
"Your coveralls say Lesley."
"The guy who dropped them in the second-hand store had the problem, not me."
"OK," I wiped my eyes again. My head hurt.
"And?" he asked.
"Huh?"
"Name?"
"Oh, Carrie."
"Hi."
"Hi."
That was our introduction.
I heard him rustling around a bit.
"Smoke?"
I looked over. He held up two cigarettes. I had quit. It was all part of my campaign of the past few years to try and grow up. Quit smoking, drink less, no drugs, move in with boyfriend and play house, get a real job and wear a suit. I stopped short of wearing nude-coloured hosiery, but only just. It was my own sort of a personal temperance plan. If I could just suppress all my bad urges then…um…I'd forgotten what, actually.
But Frank wasn't just asking me to smoke. This was quite a different thing. Frank was trying to forge a link. He was calling a truce. He was trying to bond. He was offering me a peace pipe of sorts, though packaged with a few more chemicals and a filter. I am convinced that the smoking bond is actually the reason many people smoke. Life is lonely and making connections with other people is a hard thing to do. The smoking bond is definitely the reason I forced myself through those awful first cigarettes for long enough to get properly addicted. For some reason, having a paper tube filled with dried grass and chemicals between my fingers means that I drop a layer of falseness. I become more willing to let go of all the things that make you different and you level with each other a bit. You both smoke. That seems to be a solid starting point, spurred on in this age of banning. There is no scientific explanation for this phenomenon, but it is arguably more addictive than the nicotine itself.
I took a smoke and accepted Frank's outstretched lighter. I inhaled deeply. I never have any trouble starting smoking again and I certainly didn't this time. My toes tingled in appreciation. I sat down on the shoulder a safe distance away from him and rubbed my neck. I was feeling a bit better. It was quiet.